Valentine’s Compendium 5: The Lolita Guide to Getting it On

February 14, 2009 at 3:22 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments
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From Marie Antoinette and

From Marie Antoinette and

Seduction in lolita is a difficult discussion. Everyone is quick to cover their mouths with their fans and girlishly squeal in outrage when the topic comes up. It is the true sign of an ita to have too short a skirt or too low of a cut. Look at any of the lolita communities, especially where outfit photos are posted- daily_lolita, for example. If you scan the first page, maybe one or two posts will announce their style on the front page – “Classic outfit for going out dinner!” or “Gothic for the meetup this weekend!” Ero, though, is another matter. Huge neon signs point it out in the title, cut text, a short intro, maybe even the outfit rundown. Aforementioned intro may even have a few lines about how it’s the poster’s first attempt, they wanted more opinions on how it looked… they hope they don’t look ita.

There it is. The big, pink, lace-covered elephant in the room. To us, in our current evolution of lolita, the terror of being labeled an ita is probably the most prevailent in our small, convoluted subsociety. And what are itas? Well, to put it nicely, they disobey the rules. Less nicely, they look like little hoes. Short frilly skirts, low-cut corset tops are stereotypical to the ita ideal. Throw in some cheap lace and you have everything that lolita isn’t: Cheap, tacky, and, finally, sexual. Someone enjoying looking at me? Say it ain’t so! Maybe that’s why we all hate itas (hey, myself included – I’m examining my own feelings as well as what I’ve seen from others).I personally find lolita a form of feminism – I spend hours curling my hair, tucking and untucking my cutsew, and selecting the perfect shade of lipgloss to become my own ideal of beauty. We go out all decked out and are laughed at, scowled at, stared at in horror. We are not enjoyed or adored by anyone but ourselves and, maybe, the occasional seven-year-old girl. But is this skewed?

I think the problem is that in being obsessed with the idea of an “ideal lolita” that we all try to emulate, we forget that, in the end, we are still humans. This “ideal lolita” is a large problem in my mind, especially for those of us in healthy relationships. To those of you mulling over this topic, seriously troubled or merely for curiousity’s sake, my advice? If it bothers you that much, redefine your ideal lolita. Mine follows:

To me, the ideal lolita eats chocolates. A lot of them. She breaks fast on raw passionfruit and strawberries and for lunch she eats fruit salad and sandwiches on thick brioche rolls. She spends her afternoons laying in fields of flowers and tall grass, drinking pink soda from a wine glass and playing “He loves me, he loves me not” with wildflowers to spread their seeds. She gives flowers to boys and drinks absinthe to spice things up at parties. She secretly loves being outdoors in only her corset and bloomers, especially if there are trees to climb. She buys anything she wants – she has two other bedrooms filled only with clothes and orange petals to scent them. She has more boyfriends than she can count, and a good number of girlfriends too. She licks the drips off her ice cream cone in the summer so she doesn’t have to waste any of its sweet coolness – and she doesn’t care why the others around her are staring.

In short, she does whatever she wants. She adores anything that gives her pleasure and will never be forced to feel bad for engaging in anything. I doubt I’m the only one who thinks this. What lolita meetup have you EVER witnessed where there were no adorable sweets and everyone enjoyed themselves? Please. Good food and good company are the staples of a lolita meetup – and no one is happy unless there’s cake. This leads me to believe that lolitas are drawn to and almost obsessed with anything that makes them feel like a princess, well-loved and always smiling.

What makes a girl feel like that more than an attractive person pleasing them in any way they demand?

Don’t tell me lolitas are prudes – we refresh the sales community ten times a minute to try and find the most thrilling pieces of cloth to wrap around ourselves. We break our diets with cupcakes and sweets and revel in it. We drink. We have boyfriends and girlfriends who buy us flowers and beautiful dresses. Are you telling me that we also deny ourselves the ultimate form of pleasure, the ultimate way of thanking said lovers for their kindness and all they put up with, simply to be the ~*~perfect lolita~*~? I’m sure.
This Valentine’s Day, rethink your ideal lolita. I dare you. Have you gotten your lover’s gift yet? I haven’t. And I’m sure you can guess what I’ll end up giving him.

Go ahead, tell me I’m not a lolita. In the end, which of us have come closer to becoming our ideal lolita? I’ll give you two guesses.



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  1. This was an excellent piece, and really examined the Rococo-indulgence aspect of the culture. I was playing sexy-loli yesterday because my bloomers show from beneath a slightly-short skirt, and listening to ‘Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy’. Lolitas also say what they want, about whoever they want, after all 😉

    • Thank you! I tried to address it in a way that would speak to both the women pondering it idly and those lifestyle gals who may be seriously worried about it.

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